love that stretches oceans
I am always wondering when it has been long enough to truly miss them, how many times I have to go to feel actually genuine when I say to people “I love them so much”. Even though I felt that from the first time I went, it still after 3 trips feels invalid and misplaced.
But the truth is, my heart aches with love when I think about them, those sweet faces staring up at me. And sometimes I overthink whether or not I have a place there with them when I visit. Do they remember me? Do I mean anything to them? How could I ever express to them how much they meant to me?
And there in lies the lesson.
The Father has shown me so much about a kind of love that stretches across the sea, across the globe and when people ask me about my job or the time I get to spend with these walking miracles, I am profoundly tongue tied, undeniably silenced with words that feel much too shallow and underwhelming for what an incredible work the Hand of God has done there. And He has made it just so on purpose. I can share this story all I want, until my lungs are empty and my voice gone, but it will never hold the full weight coming from my throat. It will never be a thing solicited to it’s actual meat and reality.
I have been given the gift of seeing it with my eyes, the incredible magnitude of holding them with my arms, the feeling of my heart ripped out of my chest with love too deep and incomprehensible looking their faces and hearing their laughs.
But it is not my story, and it is not about me. Never will be. I have the privilege and honor of knowing them and loving them and doing everything we can for them, but it is not in our Hands. They are the Lord’s, they are their own. And it is not about me.
What a thing that I struggle with every time. Wanting to share all these photos of us cuddled up and laughing and thinking “no way, that is too cliche” and it ruins all of the real depth of it. Because it is far too much for me to hold or try to share. It just is, and that is so like the Father, to make something so beautiful it could never be fully captured or portrayed except through the lens he creates, not us. Never us.
i love you always, i miss you always